Machete

Title: Machete (2010)
Director: Robert Rodriguez, Ethan Maniquis
Genre: Action
Lead Actor(s): Danny Trejo, Jessica Alba
Rating: R
105 minutes

This is a crazy movie. At one point Machete (Danny Trejo) swings out one window and into the window one floor down with a man’s intestines. This was originally seen as a fake trailer between Planet Terror and Deathproof. Basically Machete is an ex-federale who was burned by a drug pin, Torrez (Steven Seagal), and emigrates to Texas trying to work as a day laborer when he is offered $150,000 to kill Senator John McLaughlin (Robert DeNiro). It turns out to be a setup to bolster the senator’s poll numbers. Now a massive manhunt is looking for Machete and Machete is looking for the men who hired him. This is basically a 2010 mexploitation.

I love Cheech Marin as Machete’s brother, a gun-toting priest. He was incredibly funny in the part and oddly convincing when blowing people’s heads off. He is a fallible priest who knows he is fallible.

Danny Trejo is a badass. That is all that really needs to be said about him and his character.

There is footage from the original Grindhouse interspersed in the movie, sometimes it is more noticeable than others. There is gratuitous blood and gratuitously bloody shots. Really this is just a fun movie. You can have a good time watching it and it is different from just about any movie that has been released recently.

If I judged this movie based on quality and cinematic value, it would be ** 2/10
If I judged it based on how much fun you can have and how much enjoyment can be had while watching it, I give it a ********* 9/10

The Bachelor

Title: The Bachelor (1999)
Director: Gary Sinyor
Genre: Romance, Comedy
Lead Actor(s): Renee Zellweger, Chris O’Donnell
Rating: PG-13
101 minutes

This is an example of a romantic comedy I hate. The plot centers around Jimmie Shannon (Chris O’Donnell). He is a 29-year-old commitaphobe. He finally decides to settle down with his girlfriend, Anne (Renee Zellweger), and botches the proposal. Anne decides to leave and Jimmie’s grandfather dies leaving Jimmie $100 million inheritance on the condition that he is married by his 30th birthday, which happens to be the next day. Jimmie catches Anne as she is about to get on a plan and again lets his fear of commitment get between him and his inheritance.

O’Donnell is stiff and awkward in a stiff and awkward character. None of the delivery was believable and at times it was almost painful to watch. He never connected with the character and I can’t blame him. If I had a character like this, I would have tried very hard not to connect with it.

Zellweger is trying to recreate the character she had in Jerry Maguire. This character is not as well written or similar in style. This doesn’t stop her from barreling through like it is. I can’t think of a single scene that has an original feel to it.

This is an awful movie. The plot is insulting. The acting is atrocious. The only redeemable thing is that in a scene toward the end, the secret of the inheritance gets out and brides in dresses chase Jimmie down the street. A good portion of these brides are men in drag. This movie gets a bonus point for that aspect. Otherwise it would be a 1.

** 2/10

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Title: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)
Director: Steven Spielberg
Genre: Action
Lead Actor(s): Harrison Ford
Rating: PG-13
122 minutes

This is the only movie I ever wanted to walk out of. I think I usually am good about knowing what movies I will and won’t like. As such I don’t feel I see a lot of bad movies, but when the new installation of Indiana Jones came out, I really wanted to see it. I grew up on the three earlier movies. It was such a disappointment.

First, Shia LeBeouf is ridiculous as Indy’s son. We don’t want to see an archeologist playboy saddled with a son. That would be like James Bond with a son. Second, Harrison Ford is far too old to be jumping back into this heavily physical role. We wouldn’t want to see him back as Han Solo. Seeing such an iconic character age is disappointing, especially when you have grown up with him being a bad-ass.

The entire script is ridiculous. It involves aliens. Indy has no business battling aliens. He also hides from a nuclear test blast in an old refrigerator. Sure the old Indy battle Nazis and looked for the Holy Grail, but it never seemed ridiculous. This one does. The dialogue at times seems non-existent. It also doesn’t have the feel of the older Indys. Everything is much cleaner. The other films felt more realistic and grittier.

Cate Blanchett does her best as the villain, but there isn’t much material for her to work with her. At one point one of her minions is eaten by ants. She could have been an interesting character, but instead she becomes a crazed stereotype.

If it hadn’t been an Indiana Jones movie, it might have been more well-received, but it pales in comparison to the older ones. I don’t understand why they couldn’t have “rebooted” the series. With a fresh insight, a fresh direction, and a fresh Indy, it could have been a wonderful introduction to a new audience. That being said, please don’t make Shia LeBeouf the new Indiana Jones.

** 2/10